First off, let me preface that this post is for me mire than anything. I have not journaled since Dean was born and I want to remember the good and the hard times. John and I are so thankful for our sweet little boy. Just because we know deep down inside that Dean is sweet doesn't mean that he always is.
Since he was born, I think we have maybe had 2-3 weeks where we haven't spent most of the day and night wrestling him. He was a great sleeper who only woke up once around 4am for about 2 weeks. He was so cute during the day and actually let me put him down and slept in his crib for naps for the same 2 weeks.
For the past 3-4 weeks, I feel like we have digressed back to newborn Dean. I literally spend almost every waking moment holding him or he will just cry. And even when I do hold him, often he will just cry and refuse to sleep even though he is exhausted.
Last night, as I was up with Dean 3 times within about 5 hours, I started to wonder why we have such a difficult baby. I don't know the answer, but I pray we are "serving our time," and IF we have any more kids, they will be perfect angels. We both spend a lot of our time thinking of ways to keep Dean happy and comfortable, but I am starting to realize that we all have agency, even little baby Dean. Maybe this earth is just such a shock from where he came from that he can't help but cry when he realizes he's not there any more.
I know things will get better, but please don't tell me how happy my baby seems when you see him on a particularly happy moment because nobody really understands what John and I go through daily with this one. I just want to hear "i am so sorry", not a list of things that have worked for you and your baby. We are grateful for everyone's love and support, but sometimes we just need to hear that we are loved, not ways to solve our problems. As I said initially, this is not me wanting a pity party, just me hoping to express how this phase if life is so that I can remember how to help others in the future.
Hey! I think you are good not to mask the truth. Life isn't always hunky dory, like some blog moms make it seem. Sometime don't you wish you could get into your child's head to figure out what they want?! I bet they don't even know most of the time. "I am sorry." Hopefully it will pass soon!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry he has gone back to his old ways. I wish I was close by to come hold him and give you a break. If you ever are feeling lonely, call me. It's been a long time since we used to go on our walks at the Fieldhouse and chat. I don't have any mothering advice but you are welcome to complain or vent anytime!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Jen - but I'm glad you know what's going on now. Hopefully he'll be a bit happier again once those chompers are in. And I could never understand how people have back to back kids until we had Olivia - easy babies are awesome. Hard babies are hard. I don't know that I love Ben more than Adam or Olivia because he was hard, or vice versa, but you are right about them having agency. You da bomb. We'll keep little Dean in our prayers so he (and you both) can get some sleep. Or maybe even a date. What is that again? ;)
ReplyDeletei'm coming over on monday, and you can't stop me!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your trials. I love you tons and if you ever need to talk (or vent or scream) feel free to call me! You are in our prayers.
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